This. Is. Freaking. ME. Out.

Me! its freaking ME out! And I NEVER freak out. At least... not to the point where I'm so blur I dunno what to do.

SHE is SO smart. Suka-suka tak nak talk to me in school. I still remember the last thing I said to her. "Wei...don't fight with Joey anymore la. Just get over it and be friends again la...pls...". AND THEN...after that she started ignoring me. For FOUR DAYS. FOUR! This is dastardly unbelievably incredibly stupid.

And guess what happened next? She SMSED me bout something that we were talking about before she started this I-like-to-ignore-vicki-just-for-the-fun-of- it game. LIKE SHE EXPECTED ME TO REPLY.

AND GUESS WHAT? I AM SO UNBELIVABLY MAD RIGHT NOW. So SHE can stop talking and start talking to me WHENEVER SHE LIKES. AND I JUST HAVE TO TAG ALONG??!!??

Well i'm SORRY (snickers) but NO. You-can-find-someone-else-I'm-sick-of-playing-games-with-you-and-your-selfish-soul-and-at-this-moment-i'm-feeling-very-mean. I'm SICK of having to WORK SO HARD to keep this BLOODY FRIENDSHIP when half of all you do when we talk is COMPLAIN about ME not PAYING YOU ENOUGH ATTENTION. Just in case you didn't realise, maybe friendship is a two way thing?! UGH.


*half an hour later*

And that was suppose to be the end of the post..but for some reason, I just couldn't post it. Why? Because I opened up My Documents...and the first thing that caught my eye was the file of the song I wrote using Ben's bass. And of course...everytime I sing that song it just overwhelms me...so obviously I opened that file...skimmed my eyes over the lyrics.

UGH. Now I feel so bad that half an hour ago I had ranted out the first half of this post...all negative feelings about her. And I just feel so bad...but I don't want to delete the first half of this post either...because that was really what I felt about her. Frustration. Anger. Ugh-ness. Most of all, confusion. And alot of anger. And that's the last thing I need to feel.

Sigh...

I don't deserve you, Lord
I don't fool you, look, what it took
All the years I could have known you but I didn't want to
But I could sing to you all my days
Write out phrases of praise
All creation someday will fall to you
And they'll know they don't deserve you

No relation to what I ranted, really. But it just depicts my life and the last thing I wanna do is hate someone. Sigh. Haih.

I've been doing alot of that lately. Sigh. haih. HAIH. SIGH>

See what i mean?

~Seluar Pandai.. you should be glad i didn't say seluar dalam pandai

Random things

As usual...I have a million things to say...so there's no point posting a topic. I ALWAYS stray. So first things first, I've never felt this stressed. Drowned. Suffocated. Pressured. Take your pick.

Anyway, lets start with last saturday. Semi finals of that competition was at 2.30pm..I came early, but they rescheduled it early, so I played early. But I got into the finals. Yay :D I didn't expect to though, probably cuz I made 114499 mistakes. Then rushed to church, zoomed in at 3.55pm. Seriously, I love to rush...its fun moving all the time. That way, you never have time to think about your problems. You can't do a thing other than REACT. Don't I love talking half explained gibberish.

Sunday, I served at church...it made me..happy. Teen class made me...happier, because everything's just...unexplainably right.

Monday, I flunked through school...slept through all my classes as usual, fought with my friends, made up with them, fought more, tried to force Nav to pay up his debt...unsuccessfuly, searched 2 floors 4 times for Peter (because Joey wanted to give him his bday pressie), complained to everyone about everything, and school ended. Stayed back for jamming with Kelly, Christie, Kristy and Mr Goh Sheng An...for the first time, Mr Goh didn't "fong fei kei".

Recorded the song acapella on Christie's MP3, its sound quality is amazing. Christie left. Then Kristy. Then Kelly had to leave..so I teman her to front gate, chit chat until she left...then went back to class where we were jamming, only to find it invaded by guys. Oh, and Wen Hao was there. Except that I didn't know it was Wen Hao...until he left, then i asked TC "who's that fella?" and he was like "wen hao?" ...forget my reaction.

Messed around with Ben's bass...tried to write a song using it. Succeeded. Go on, i'm waiting for your compliment. Cheh...i'm so lame. Messed more with ben's bass while he stared at the ceiling, decided to 'tune' it. Played "guess the note" games with ben using the bass. I know. Lame.

Went home. Edited the song.

Tuesday/today...lost my patience with one friends...lost my temper with another two. I'm furious nowsadays. Maybe its cuz i'm always bertolak-ansuring with everyone: I'M SICK OF IT. Came home to find an email with the recording of the acapella song Christie sent. I sounded SO BAD in the recording...but the ending was funny. Right, kelly?

Now...just taken a bath, am suppose to be doing homework, but i"m feeling so burnt out. I can't keep up with the pace of life = bad time management. DIdn't practice piano today. Didn't bang drums. Haven't chosen the song I wanna sing on Saturday's guest performance. Havn'et practiced my competition song. haven't finished homework. Haven't finished blogging.

Finished, actually. *yawn*

I msn-ed with someone who made me happy :D. I'm not stressed anymore XD

~Aku Punya Nama Ialah Seluar Pandai? Nevermind, english is fine...smart pants...

When I came out of that bloody dark hole...

... also known as my mum's womb.

ick. disgusting.

One more hour to my birthday...and why the heck do I feel so glum?

I ought to be doing my head off homework...flexing my finger muscles hard on the pen....not relaxing them here but typing on this silly comp.

Back to the question. Why do I feel so upset. Its an hour to my birthday! Why am I so...down?

Blast that. Lets divert. I know two guys. At least, I thought I knew them. Now I feel like I don't know one of them. Like he's a total stranger. Last time he used to be really cool...but now its just drab. Its just weird. He's...different.

And the other guy...is just pure amazing. From an obnoxious lil kid...practically overnight transformed into an awesome great guy. LITERALLY. He's freaking annoying last time. I HATED him. But now its like, ..oh forget it, I can't explain. I don't know what to make of my life...why does things have to be so confusing? Oh..and..I DO NOT have a crush, just telling people before they start speculating. Its just that I just suddenly thought of these two people and how things could be so confusing about them.

Another happy thing that happened lately is...nothing actually...I just wrote a new song...*yawn* and its nothing new, except that I really really put alot of thought and heart into it. I took days to write the first 4 drafts (yes, you saw that...I said FOUR drafts) ...and the finally perfected it by rewriting it within 5 minutes. Total new version. Kinda silly, no? Tried it out on the piano, but it sounds wayy off rubbish. I need a guitar with this...ada orang nak volunteer ke tak?

And ANOTHER happy thing is...I FINALLY GOT BACK INTO WRITING AGAIN. Started 3 new stories...and almost completed one of my old ones. :D Dedicated, no? ...well, not really.

And (yes, and again) today...a few minutes ago actually, someone somewhat shared a teeny bit of his experience with God with me. I hear people talk about how great God is all the time... and it never fails to amaze me how He can touch so many lives. All the people out there who have been baptised with fire, should know what I mean.

And lastly...back to homework...goodbye for now.

~My Name Is ... Smart Pants. Yes, That's My Name.

Ello boss, uhh, blog, lama aku tak jumpa kau.

Hmm, I've abandoned my blog for more than three weeks. Time to chit chat with it again. Hmm, what's up in my life?

Last thursday, ah yes, that was the first time I cried at school in like, a million years. Trust me, I never cry in school. But then again, that was the first time I got into a huge fight with one of my best friends in a billion years. Well, its not like I bawled my eyes out or anything...the tears just dripped...like a leaky tap. drip, drop, drip, drop. Okayy, not funny I know, dry humor. It wasn't that funny at that time either. And according to pearly, everyone was like "why's vicki crying??" what happened?" ...how embarrassing. I swear I will never cry again in school! Scout's honour!!!!

Nextly...(whattheheck was that)..I won again on Saturday! MUHAHAHA!!! It was the church's singing competition...which turn out to be freaking pretty tough. I didn't expect thattt high a level. Sue anne was like "she's gonna blast them away!" but I didn't think she meant it. Mike was like "Must have confidence that you can win again!".....lol i wish...and that wish came true. I don't think i ever had so much fun in my life...that night rocked! Right, nav? There was also great praise & worship, the worship team did an awesome job and all the youth (and non-youth :P) were so energetic that night. And yadda yadda...so many fun activities, too many to list out.

And then there was Sunday's dinner. Only about 5 of my friends turned up though, but we still had a blast. Made pauline sing like mad on that day (teeehee) and then we had cake fight. Tossed cream around. Smacked Angelo with cream more than 5 times. Tried to get Kelly near the chocolate cream but she's too witty. Didn't wanna go near Sin Mun cuz she threatened to chuck green tea at me if I came within a radius of 4 metres.

And of course...lastly...there's my sister. She came back last Wednesday. Man, I didn't realise how much I missed her until I saw her there. In real person.

With her boyfriend. XD

Damn leng chai, and very very very tall. He kinda intimidates me...maybe because half the time I have no idea what he's saying due to his British accent. Oh yeah, he's British. Puan Nor Asiah would have a heart attack if she finds out my sister's dating a "anak orang penjajah". I have totally no idea what my sejarah teacher has against British people. I mean, get real, if not for...uhh, nevermind. lets not go into the political rubbis- i mean, issues. Anyway, back on topic, I really miss my sister. She left this morning for London again. Haih...I promise I'm going to see her end of this year. Hmm, since my parents aren't going...I'd be flying alone. Which is so damn fun. Unless ada kawan nak teman aku?? Accomodation provided :D. Siapa nak datang? If not lonely la...travel alone no syok...travel with parents ALSO no syok.

Guess that's all for now.

Life's great.

Byeee.

~Aja Singing Pants

Koalas have lovely backsides

The trip to Perth, Australia was a bomb!!!!

Well, it wasn't all that fun, but definitely way fun-ner than boring ol' lovely hot sickening Malaysia. KL. Which has stupid signboards that say "Haha! You're late for work!" ..and lame stuff like that.

First day and second day was pretty boring, we just walked around here, there, everywhere, back to here, then there...went on a cruise, which wasn't interesting after the first few minutes. yeah, honest. All i saw was water. No dolphins, no fishes. Just water. Everyday typical water. Which you can actually find in a bathtub. Or the sink for that matter..

Day 3: Went to the Pinnacles!!!! Its this desert/dessert (how do you spell it? desert or dessert???...ah, whatever) with these whatever rocks...limestones. Its hard to explain how they're formed but whatever. Anyway, it was really cool, we had sand surfing! Someone from church once said my mum looked like 15 years old again, when she was doing the children church cheer, hmm, i forgot who. But yeah, she really enjoyed the sand surfing; she was like a kid again. Hehe, guess i'm really happy for her?

After that, headed over to the Wildlife-some-name-or-other Park, lovely koalas and wombats there. I took lots of pictures, but those animals are just sooo camera shy! So basically, whatever I caught on cam was furry backsides and lovely paws. moving on....i fed (and hugged!! alot!!) kangaroos...those ninnies drooled all over my hand till their saliva froze and my hands were so numbed with cold, I could barely unzip my pants to relieve myself later when we went for toilet breaks but nevermind...that's another story.

On the fourth and last day, we headed over to a whats-its-name-sort-of-aquarium...uhh, i think it was a tunnel that drives right into the southern perth sea or something like that. anyway, we got to see sharks and stingrays and all the whatnot. seriously, it was freaking not-that-nice at first. I mean, those sharks love pressing their nose against the glass...so it ain't that nice when you realise you're 6 inches away from a 8 foot long shark, separated by a wall of glass. not that cool, eh?

And those stingrays, its freaky when they swim overhead...i mean come on...5 metres long and 3 metres wide. its maddeningly big. but magnificently so. even the sharks were so...elegant. Amelia would have been jealous of them. Oh, and we were allowed to go snorkelling and scuba diving in there...I was kinda interested...but kinda nervous as well, couldn't make up my mind whether i wanted to play water sports with sharks that are twice my height (or length, in this case) or not. But then those tour guides said its for people age 16 and above. Decision made for me. I mean, i ain't 16 +, am I?

And...that was pretty much it...well, i left out a lot of details (example: how many km i walked in one day, how i got lost twice all in the same day, how many times I changed my socks a day, how good the lobsters were, and all that yadda yadda) but its nearing midnight, and I ain't in the mood for talking about happy holidays.

After all.

I aint' in a happy mood now, though i'm feeling relatively better now that I've chatted with two people about it.

Haih. I don't understand. I wish I could ask God why. And I wish he would give me a reply. A sensible one. Maybe I should ask God? Or maybe I should write a formal letter and mail it to heaven's letter box? Or seeing today's tech, I should just send an email over? And what's the email address? god@hotmail.com? Haih, sometimes prayer is so hard to do..sometimes talking to god is so hard..i guess the problem's me...after all...He's always there...its just whether I wanna listen or not.




SCREW THE WORLD ANYWAY. SCREW AUGUST. SCREW SMK-WHATEVER-CEMPAKA. SCREW NAVIAN. SCREW HOW THINGS WORK OUT. SCREW THE SCREWS OF MY LOVELY ROUND HEAD.

What a lovely way to end my vacation.

Screw.


nighty night,
~aja screwing pants

From dunno-what-date to dunno-what-date...

I'm going to Australia! Tada!

Will be home on friday...morning. Like..early in the morning.

Anyway, gotta ciao, haven't even packed my bag and i'm leaving in four hours.

tata, pray that i don't die on the way there...or on the way back, for that matter. airplanes crash sometimes, ya know?

Show me the way

What do you do when you have PROBLEMS like

1. Peer pressure
2. Family problems
3. Failure in studies
4. Success that burdens you with...
...more peer pressure (5)
6. a brother who is not close to you
7. a sister who is 3000 miles away
8. peer pressure
9. peer pressure
10. a stupid private blog which is exactly what it is: a stupid private blog. No pun intended. Seriously.

My main current difficulties are 1, 4, 5, 8 and 9. The story is basically simple.

So-so wants me to be constantly with her while so-and-so wants me to talk to her while two other so-so's talk about me behind my back because i ignore them having to deal with so-so and so-and-so. then all of a sudden, both so-so and so-and-so ditches me then i'm left alone (which i honestly don't mind, for a change) but then somebody comes and talks non stop about boys to me, irritating me all the way to heaven and hell, then halfway through, so-so decides she wants my attention so she pesters me until she has my 100% undivided attention BUT THEN when i say hi to so-and-so, she sulks and ignores me with the excuse that i have been ignoring her while i was talking to so-so. I honestly enjoy talking to the other two so-so's but most of the time I don't get the chance to.

*so-so and so-and-so are two different people.
*the other so-so's are two different people from so-so and I'll name them so-so 1 and so-so 2.
*somebody is also a person
*all in there are five people i mentioned.
*the story above refers to problem number 1, 8 and 9.

Continuation:

Out of those five people, three of them talks about so-so 1 behind her back, complaining, gossiping, blah-blahing.

Out of those five people, four of them dislikes so-so at certain times. really dislike. In fact, I'm one of the few that try to stand up for her. I'm not putting myself high up, just stating a fact.

Out of those five people, i realise that somebody barely has friends at all, and we barely have anything in common, which is why she blabs nonstop about boys to me, and nothing else.

Out of those five people, one has family problems alike mine, another has peer pressure alike me, one has romance problems, unlike me (...what?), one has the entire world against her, quite unlike me (hopefully), and the last has...nearly the whole world against her.

Please. What do I do with my five favourite friends. And that was a statement, not a question. But i don't mind you treating it as a question. Post answers in the comments.

Now, lets move on to problem 4 and 5.

She's jealous. I know it. Its obvious. Why? ...because she shows it. But I don't blame her, honestly. I feel that everytime she's with me, she tries to accentuate her good points, as though shoving them in my face. she'll try to show everyone around us that she's good, she can do stuff. I had...and have a decent amount of success, particularly in the music field, considering my age and living environment. And i'm truly thankful, grateful and happy about that. What I can't help being saddened by is my peers. Most of them honestly support me to the best they can. But some are jealous, and though they...she, in particular...are happy for me, they show obvious jealousy. Which is directed to me. Which makes me very unhappy. I don't think i'm the type of person who tries to boast and show talent or anything. But some of my friends do, particularly when in the presence of adults such as teachers.

They do not show of directly, but indirectly make a snide remarks here and there about me, and a praising remark about themselves. I...do not approve or like it of course, but i understand why they do so. Not that it stops them from hurting me.

Insecurity. Competition.

I feel these are the two main factors. Those who feel insecure about themselves, feeling they are less than expected, and less successful than their peers will tend to try to demonstrate show their upper skills and points, maybe because they know they are not quite good enough YET, but want to be, so they give a big show that they ARE. Second factor: competition...among friends...peers. No one likes to feel as though they are second after their best friend. Need i explain more?

Haih, everyone wants to be the top. But when you are at the top and there's friends...best friends who are jealous of you, its not a nice feeling. Suddenly, whatever success you have feels like a burden to you. So which one is more important to me? Friends? Or success?

Normally a question like that will get a total godly untruthful lame lie, which barely passes as an excuse of an answer.

But in this situation...you're good in singing and piano-ing (yeah i did that on purpose), you won the lousyfornothing school competition, you write decent songs easily, you understand chords and blah blah, you're talented in this that this that and so on so forth. and just cuz a friends jealous, would you give up all that? TRUTHFULLY.

obviously. No. Which bring me back to the first question. Friends or interests/success?

Hehe, my answer is. *drumroll*

GOD.

Which brings me to my next point. I feel like i've been having a growth spurt spiritually. Imagine that everytime you learn something new about God, you grow one day old. I'm probably a few years old, spiritually...counting it in that way. I...LOVE...god, church and everything in it. Its one of the few things that keeps me from screaming out loud at the end of the day just cuz I had a little blooper with jealousy. And family. Well, nobody's life is perfect as mike and a million other ...TEN MILLION other people say.

And in my imperfect life with perfect dreams, I, the small short tiny 14 year old mousy girl intend to make the best of it. Regardless of ...

1. Peer pressure
2. Family problems
3. WHATEVER THAT DARES TO STAND IN MY WAY....what a unfeminine statement...

Signing off after a long blah on her life,

~Asian Pants Smart.