The last one.

The last one went this morning. She was my last and final...and she left this morning. One died when I was 6, another when i was 9 years. The other one, i never knew him. Now her, the final one, was gone. I never knew one, and I lost three.

The phone call came in at 9.30..I was still sleeping when my mum shook me awake and broke the news to me. It was kinda hard to comprehend what she was saying at first...and even up till now, 10 hours later, i don't think i still can accept the fact.

We drove over almost immediately...and even as we reached, extension tents were already being set up. I saw the body, yellow and cramped in with death. None of my cousins were there...except for the youngest...a mere 7 year old. I was on the verge of crying...but I didn't...at least, not until I was alone with my cousin. I knew that everyone else viewed me as this stoic, cold, expressionless girl who never really said anything, just keeping quiet all the time, never really cared. So I wasn't about to start bawling right in front of aunty uncle from all four corners of the globe.

Later, I met my 7 year old cousin in an empty room...and i just listened as she sobbed her heart out. I cried too, but all the more i hated myself. I never truly had any affection for her...she was not part of my life. I cried simply because of the fact that she was gone, and I had lost all of them now. I cried because I no longer had any in my life. I cried for my selfish reasons, not for her death. And I hate myself for it.

My grandmother would be cremated on this coming Monday. I wish I could say I missed her, but I won't...because I don't. Right, so you guys are probably thinking i'm this emotionless self centered bitch, and maybe you're right, but i never really knew her. Her death...would not...could not affect me. And then friends started calling...and i had to go all "my grandma passed away, this that this that."

Bridget was right. It felt wrong to say "passed away." Saying the word "died" would have made me felt better, closer to reality. Bridget was absolutely right.

Turning to happier matters, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Navian Lee Viknas, enjoy monday. I bought the shirt, please don't wash it. I'm regretting I can't come on monday.

or maybe i can.

Hmm.