You just need to read this.

Edit: I blog like this. Title. And P.S.'s. Everything else in between are fragments of thoughts and little unimportant-to-you stuff.

Just saying, 'cuz I know people won't read this crazy sial long post.

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I'm not sure what I'm doing here.

Well, technically, I'm not suppose to be here, 'cuz its a school night...uhh, school morning actually (I have school in 5 hours... I keep typing "school", argh!). And I'm bloody darn tired.

But, I just had the sudden urge to...type. When I say "type", I actually mean blurt out all the little strange things that I've been feeling lately minus the struggle of having to speak.

Enlightenment.

Unlike the way enlightenment has been showing up 2 inches from my nose, this time its not something that hit me hard in the face, like a baseball whack or anything.

But something a little more subtle that has been occuring over the past few days...yeah, days only. Like a swell of emotions that I can't really put into words.

I'm not making sense to anyone but myself. I know, I know. Can't be helped. Its the way I write. Unintelligible. (<< is that how you spell it?)

Anyway, back to enlightenment. Its kinda like...I realised...I'm mumbling...but...

Other people can't help you, unless you let them.

Oh, trust me, I hear that phrase over and over again, from parents to friends to people who meditate to people I don't even know. But lately, it just seems like a whole lot deeper than what I used to think of it.

I think you -- and in that sense, I...as in, me-- need to realise that people try to help. People always try to help when you have problems. Its just that...sometimes they can't. Sometimes they can, but don't know how to. Sometimes they know how to, but just...just...can't. And sometimes its not they're fault when that happens.

If you're (you, as in ME. I'm like...self-lecturing.) gonna let your stinking emotions get in the way, other people might not be able to do anything. And the problem is the emotion problem is so diverse. Because we can feel half a million different negative things at half a million different times, it just...I don't know. How do you expect people to deal with that?

A problem shared isn't a problem halved. It just problemises other people. FYI, no, I don't think there's such a word. Problemises. Seriously, Vicki. =.=" Point is, some people care enough to try. But if your emotions get in the way, well...I don't know what happens, but I'm pretty sure its not good.

And what is the definition of "emotions getting in the way"?

I'm not too sure either. Like I said. Its bloody diverse. And I'm still trying to figure out exactly what's pounding on the cell walls of my brain.

Oh, sorry, bio relapse. My brain cells don't have cell walls. Sorry, sorry.

I used to think counselling was bull. I'm still kinda skeptical about it actually. But...maybe, it wasn't as dope as I used to think it was. I'm...changing my mind. Like I said, its a gradual thing that has been happening over the past few days.

Okay, truth is, I went for this counselling test a couple of days ago. While the results were bloody darn accurate, it didn't do anything much other than confuse me more.

DESPITE THAT.

I'm starting to think counselling IS an option. Unlike last time where I scoff at the mere thought of it.

Maybe...just maybe, it really can help. (Before anyone yells at me on MSN that counselling HAS helped countless people before, please let me remind you that I'm totally referring to myself. As in, I used to think counselling was not an option for me, but now I think it could be.)

That aside.

I...suddenly ran out of words. Like, slam dush bang. Poof. Everything I wanted to express...just kinda disappeared. Maybe its God reminding me that I really need to sleep now, so He sent all my thoughts to Recycle Bin.

Its okay, I'll retrieve them later, when I'm slightly more awake.

The problem with these kind of posts is... I kinda can't stop talking.

Like, my fingers just fly across the keyboard and I type the entire thing within 3 minutes.

And I can't stop talking, even after I've said everything I wanted to...or could have said.

Think I'll just shut up and go to sleep.

Oh before that, I have something to say. To a very special dearest someone. Which is kinda personal, but to be honest, I don't mind the whole world seeing it. Haha, on second thought, don't bother reading this. Just skip to the signing off.

To be blatantly honest, I really get annoyed with you all the time. I disagree with you all the time. I roll my eyes at you all the time. I don't really like the way you do things all the time. I just wanna hit you real hard in the face all the time...well, sometimes. I could list out 30 adjectives on you that aren't flattering at all (but I won't...'cuz then you might really get mad at me. O.o). But I just can't not care about you. I'm definitely not one of your bigger fans, but I just...I just...I'm just not me without you, okay? It just doesn't feel right. Feels like an unattended wasp sting. Or rather, like a bee buzzing around my head. At least a wasp sting can just hurt like shit, then I'll be done with it. But nooo, you have to be a bloody insect that just buzzes and buzzes around my mind and won't go away.

So.

So I'm really glad we made up, okay? Or at least, I think we made up. We did, right? No more silent treatment? =S I'm gonna throw my cornflakes at you today and you're not going to complain. =D

Oh, here's the funny part. Nobody even noticed we weren't talking. Ha-ha. Nobody except for Mean Girl and the people we confided in. Ha-ha. Are we really that unnoticeable? Bleh.

One last thing, before I end my essay. You really have everything. =) And as a person, that should really piss me off, but as a friend, I'm really happy for you. So just remember to be grateful for all the things you have right now, because from what I'm seeing, a lot of other people wants those things too (including me), but they can't have it like you do. =) Show a little more appreciation, and complain a little less! XD

Okay, I'mma go die now.

~Smartee Pants IS BACK.

P.S. Like I said. Once I start, I can't stop. Shut up Vicki, just shut up and go to bed.

P.P.S. Hey you, no, not you, the other you, yeah you, you know who I'm talking about, no, wait, you obviously don't, but still, just make a guess and yeah... you.

I just wanted to tell you that... it won't work.

Because of one...actually, two very-obvious-if-you-think-about-it reasons.

And I rather face that realisation now than have it distract me later on when I can't  afford to be distracted.

So, yeah, sorry. Too bad, huh?

Do me a favour, will you? If you, as in, YOU, know what I'm talking about you, just let me know. Or ask me why. Or, whatever, just tell me that you know. So if I don't get a message about this, then I'd automatically assume you didn't read this, or you read this and you're so blur you don't even know I'm talking about you, or your pride got in the way and you didn't say anything because you weren't sure if I was talking about you, OR... you just couldn't care less. So unless for some reason you want me thinking along those lines, then send a message.

Whatever it is, I can't be your safety net anymore. That night... no matter how happy I felt, was a mistake.

So, as of today, IT STOPS.


Sooner or later, you can forget about me~

And that, my friend, was Michelle Branch's original lyrics for that song before she changed it to what it is now.

Read between the lines.


P.P.S. I feel so relieved. =)